Written by: Debbie Martinez • January 9, 2023• Divorce

Let’s Be Friends

It’s a Saturday night. You are on your third date with this fabulously handsome guy and have a drink in your hand. He turns to you in the glow of the candlelight and says ever so sweetly, “I think we should just be friends.” Total mood crusher. At that moment, you swing into your convincing gear and with every ounce of energy you have, you attempt to convince him why you two should be more than friends.

Ladies, ladies … really? Did you check your self-respect in at the door with your coat? Let’s take an in-depth look at this whole situation and put it in perspective. The facts are that you have had three dates with this man. Yes, he might be quite pleasant to look at and the life of the party, and you probably have spent several nights building a Hallmark movie around this “relationship” — but that is it. Even if you have been dating him for a while, the outcome is the same: He just wants to remain friends.

The mistake women make is that they immediately try to talk the person into being more than friends. The end result is that you still end up being just friends and you come across looking like you have no self-confidence and are needy. Clearly this is not the last impression you want to leave him with. My question to you is this: Why is it so hard to just accept that you might not be what he is looking for and not build it into something more than that? Not being someone’s type doesn’t mean that you are flawed or not desirable. It just simply means you are not the right fit for him. Haven’t you met men who are not “your type” but are still great guys?

However, if upon reflection you come to the conclusion that this “friend” business is starting to be a pattern, perhaps an honest evaluation of yourself is needed. Is it something you are doing, the way you come across? Or is it the type of men you are attracted to? For the latter, look for common denominators in these men, and then ask yourself, “What need are they fulfilling in my life?” We tend to stay with people who fill a need, whether it is positive or negative. Is it something you are doing? Does the topic of your ex and marriage keep coming up in conversation? Are you sleeping with them too quickly, or have you tried to become ever present in their lives after just a few dates? Perhaps you are unconsciously pushing them away out of fear of being hurt.

It’s a new year, and if your dating life has been less than satisfactory, then it’s time to change something. An honest evaluation might sting a bit, but it will prevent further heartache down the dating road. Mandy Hale sums it up by saying, “The person you’re meant to be with will never have to be chased, begged or given an ultimatum.” And the barber sums it up by saying, “Next.”

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