Written by: Debbie Martinez • September 22, 2020• Divorce

Heartbreak Hotel

You checked in and you will check out!

Funny, how at the strangest times when you least expect it, an idea will pop into your head. This series that I’m calling Heartbreak Hotel is one of those times. Usually, my column is a single topic article and the next month it’s a different topic but for the next few months I will be giving you a workshop. Something that you can use and build on so that by the new year, you are well on your way to a happier, more centered 2021.

The scenario I am about to describe happened 10 years ago but the memory is still very clear because it was a turning point in my life. It was an “Aha” moment and the proverbial lightbulb went off.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I had just broken up and I had retreated into my cave with my box of Kleenex. It was a freezing cold day and I had on flannel PJs, granny looking socks, a big sweatshirt, my hair looked like mice had made it their playground throughout the night and my eyes were so puffy the Michelin man would have been proud. Does any of this sound sadly familiar? Yep, those cave days happen to the best of us (I’ll talk about the cave in a little while). I looked at myself in the mirror and I hardly recognized the face that stared back at me. I started to laugh. Trust me, it was a pathetic sight. And then I started to have a dialogue with myself and it went something like this: “Will you look at yourself. Get a grip. Do you think he looks like this today? Not unless a windstorm happened on the golf course because you know that’s where he is.” (Right, am I right ladies?) How is it we break up, our life comes to a screeching halt, we don’t hear people when they talk to us, the poor dog hasn’t eaten in days, the mail has piled up and we need a day at the spa just to get back to looking ½ way normal. Meanwhile, he’s having beer with his buds, golfing 18 holes, not even the pain of a breakup will slow him down to nine and the earth still moves around the sun while ours has stopped on the dark side. I’m going to tell you why. It’s because he chooses so, and that is what I want to talk about – choices.

We can choose to suffer, or we can choose to feel pain but not suffer. Move through it and come out on the other side with a lesson learned. You can choose to wallow in this breakup, or you can choose to use this to learn all the lessons possible and emerge a wiser, more self-aware, stronger person. It is a wonderful feeling to feel that you are in control of your life and have not handed over your power to someone else. There comes a point in time when the lightbulb goes on and you realize you can’t win this game, so get out! It doesn’t mean you lost and they won, or you’re weak and they’re stronger. It means you are smarter. To get through this, you are going to have to change your way of thinking, your way of viewing things and your belief system. George Eliot said, “The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice.”

This process will require you to commit to 30 days of doing things differently, which might make you feel unsettled or uncomfortable, but stick with it. Next month I will lay it all out for you so I look forward to seeing you back here, “same time, same channel.”

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