Written by: Debbie Martinez • August 15, 2022• Divorce Featured

Ghosting: The Coward’s Way of Dating

Divorce opens you up to many situations and emotions that you probably thought you were prepared for or would never encounter. Unfortunately, the surprises don’t end there because now you are in the dating world — and it is not the same world you left behind 10, 15 or 20 years ago. There are new terms (some of which have been explained to me a dozen times and I still don’t get it), new rules and new behaviors. Some of the rules I am not comfortable with, since I grew up in a different era; so after much soul searching, I decided it was more important for me to feel comfortable in my own skin than to try on a new one. With all the changes that have occurred and the challenges you have to deal with (especially the older you get) in navigating this new terrain, there is one that I can’t wrap my head around and find completely abhorrent.

Let’s start with a scenario, shall we, to better illustrate this dating behavior. You meet someone who clearly has an attraction to you, and the two of you hit it off. You text, talk and go out on several more dates. There are no arguments or observable bumps in the road (remember that word observable for later). As far as you are concerned, you went to bed on a Tuesday night, and all was well. You wake up the next day, and you feel like you are in the Twilight Zone because you have been officially ghosted. As far as you can see, there is no logical explanation for your texts or calls not being returned; and you vacillate between being angry and hurt. You feel this is totally unfair, unwarranted and downright confusing; and you are 100% correct on all counts.

So, why do people ghost? There are multiple reasons, and I will list a few. The point I want to make, though, is that you will never know the real reason — so do not waste one more minute on a person who has such little regard for your feelings and is inconsiderate. I hear women immediately start looking at and doubting themselves, and while it is healthy to be introspective, don’t negate the fact that you were the one ghosted and that behavior is not acceptable no matter how you slice it. Unless you did something so horribly wrong, there is no reason to lay the blame on yourself.

So, back to the question as to why people ghost, and let me be clear on this: Both sexes are guilty of this atrocious behavior. Your sense of confusion stems from the fact that all the behaviors I am going to list are not observable to you. They are about him/her. Perhaps the person decided he/she isn’t that into you, they don’t like confrontation, they’ve lied to you and know they will get caught, they are intimidated by you, they got back with an ex or their life is just too busy to fit you in — and the hypothetical list goes on. Simply put, this way of ending a relationship is a coward’s way out. If you have been ghosted, do not chase them, stop driving yourself crazy trying to figure out why, quit blaming yourself and see the other person for who he/she is. Be grateful they showed their inability to communicate and deal with relationship issues early on. Remember, there are blessings in every situation no matter how hurtful.

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